Computer Problems

Song of the moment: Stuck in a moment you can't get out of by U2



I started two really good entries, in which both got deleted when my computer just... froze. Darnit, I hate this little piece of poo Packard. I'll do my artistic writing when I get home from basketball practice.


In other news, I created a new comments thing. I actually did it on accident, when I was reviewing the refferers for my site. *looks at the time* I should get ready now, I have to walk to practice. I just hope it doesn't rain..

Fun with Southpark

Song of the moment: Last Night (Cover from the Strokes) by Stifla




Last night she said
Oh, Baby, I feel so down
Oh, and turned me off
When I feel left out
So I, I turned around
Oh, Baby, I don't care no more
I know this for sure
I'm walking out that door


Well, I've been in town
For just about fifteen minutes now
Oh, Baby, I feel so down
And I don't know why
I keep walking for miles


But the people they don't understand
No, girlfriends, they can't understand
Your grandsons, they won't understand
On top of this I ain't ever gonna understand


Last night she said
Oh, Baby, don't feel so down
Oh, and turned me off
When I feel left out
So I, I turned around
Oh, Baby, I'm gonna be alright
It was a great big lie
As I left that night, yeah


Oh, people they don't understand
No, girlfriends, they don't understand
In spaceships, they won't understand
And me, I ain't ever gonna understand


Last night she said
Oh, Baby, I feel so down
She had turned me off
When I feel left out
So I, I turned around
Oh, little girl, I don't care no more
I know this for sure
I'm walking out that door, yeah





I am the girl from this song. =P







Har har. Want to make your own Southpark character? Then go to the Southpark Studios and have as much fun as I did! =D


Anywho, here's the update on my life:


Basketball is cheering me up like cheesecake to a fat kid. Haha, just kidding. Anyways, I can definitely tell the difference in my actions between a couple of weeks ago (or even last week) to today. I'm even apologizing for my insults! Now that's improvement. It's funny, I found myself happier after I stopped taking my pills... or maybe it's the exercise. Oh well, whatever. I might just sell my prescription Paxil in the "black market" of our school. Just kidding. I guess I'll keep them just in case I get the usual "blues"... or something.


My first meeting with a psychiatrist is next Wednesday, at 2PM. I just hope we're not doing performances in Drama that day, Darren would kill me. Wait no, he wouldn't do that... he's not that kind of person. Plus, I think he's afraid of how scary I can be when I'm mad. Haha. The next meeting is on the 24th... whenever that is, at 3PM. I have my physical this Friday at 10 AM, which is good, since we have a game next week on Thursday. Wheeee!


The gang (meaning Lorraine, Ashley, Stephanie and I) are going to Lorraine's house this Friday after school to watch a movie. Afterwards, me, Lorraine and Stephanie are going to the dance practice for this one chick's Debut. For all of you non-Filipino readers, a Debut is a special 18th birthday party for Filipino girls. It's like a quincenera (if I spelled that right) in Mexico, and a sweet 16 in America. It's usually a little bit more exclusive that a sweet sixteen, though.. and definitely a lot more expensive.


So far, the only things I really have to worry about is managing my time right between the meetings with my psychiatrist, dance practice, basketball practice, and basketball games. I just have to not flake out in any of those things, and I'm set. I'm trying to balance everything out and make sure that those things don't overlap one another... which takes effort, but I have help from my mom and rides from Lorraine. So it's all good! =D


The only thing that went wrong this week was the little incident that happened yesterday between me and my mom. I was having one of my little..... unexplainable "fits". I wasn't trying to get my mom to worry or anything, I just couldn't help myself. Err, let me explain:




In the morning, I planned to go outside, jog, and go to an outside court to practice my shooting. My mom wanted to come with me, so I said "sure". After she and I watched a DVD, we fought (playfully) to get into the bathroom, and she accidentally slammed the door on my lip. It hurt like hell, so I let her back out of the door and I slammed it. I told her I was okay, but it was obvious that I was pissed off. She went upstairs, blah blah, and came back. She asked me what time I wanted to go, but I said I didn't want to go with her anymore. I guess she was fine with it... later on, she told me to seperate my colored laundry from the whites, so she can do it for me. She was trying to be a good mother. I realized that, but while I was seperating my laundry, I just.... I started getting really mad. I don't even know why. I started punching the walls, kicking the doors, throwing things (while she was out of the room, of course.. so she didn't see what I was doing). And then, I just started crying hysterically. I was out of my mind.


I stomped up the stairs to get my dirty clothes from the upstairs bathroom where I cried some more. I started punching the walls again, and my mom walked in. She asked me what my problem was, but I just screamed and screamed and told her nothing was wrong. I ran downstairs and buried my head on the couch. This was when my mom just went crazy. She started going off about how she was trying her best, how she doesn't understand me, how she wants to just die right there of a heart attack. Then SHE started throwing things, yelling, crying hysterically. I was fucking scared to death. I calmed her down, told her to go upstairs to her bed, and just told her to sleep. I also told her that I'll do the laundry, including hers, and got her a cup of water. I did about two loads until I had to leave for basketball practice, so I woke her up and told her that I put the timer on for the dryer. She wanted to give me a ride to practice, but I said I wanted to walk instead.


Yeah.... yesterday was pretty crazy. After my mom went on a hysterical rampage, but before I left for practice, and between the times I was doing the laundry, I just sat on my couch. No music was playing, the T.V. was off, it was as quiet as a cold, lifeless crypt. I just stared into the nothingness, crying. My hand reached for the blade... oh, that notorious blade.... and even without my intent, I just started cutting away. Cut cut cutting away. I did about ten cuts... I just... couldn't take it anymore. I lost count as to how many I've done so far, and I know it's stupid. SO FUCKING STUPID. Tonight, I'm going to throw away that blade... my last blade... and end this fucking torment.


But I'm happier now. Really, I am. And I'm getting help, I'm doing more physical activities, I'm feeling better about school and life itself. I'm just more positive... WITHOUT the help of medication. I can do this.



Today


Today was my short day. I got to start school at 10:30 AM, so it was a great feeling not having to wake up early just to take a shower. Before I left for school, I watched half an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and watched the movie, Breakfast at Tiffany's with Audry Hepburn. I love that movie. Holly Golightly reminds me a lot of myself... I definitely know the feeling of not knowing yourself, not knowing where you belong. But it's okay, we all know she turned out for the better. Let's just hope the same thing happens to me. =P


Art was okay. I started on my woodcut today, but the whole period was kind of boring. I got to hear about this foreign-exchange student's stories of "scoring with the ladies" all period long. God, he can be so annoying. You can hear him from the other side of the room, and everyday, he's always talking about flirting, having sex, and cheating on his girlfriend. It's pathetic.


Cisco was also kind of boring. Mr. Mejia was lecturing all day again, but it was bearable, since Lorraine and Ashley was there. We basically talked the entire period, which prevented us from going mental. Hearing too many lectures can drive a person mad.


After school, I walked half-way down the "hill" with Lorraine and Ashley. I took the bus home, and was forced to sit next to these annoying little Mexican girls. They kept talking and talking and talking, NOT only talking, but talking in the MOST ANNOYING accents ever. When we reached my stop, I pushed all of them aside and jumped off the bus. Haha. I wouldn't be suprised if they all came up to me tommorow morning, telling me they want to kick my ass. I don't care, I've been looking for a good fight and it would be fun. =D


When I got home, I ate some crackers with a nice, big bowl of tomato soup. Tomato soup rocks. After that, I just watched an episode and a half of Buffy. I got kind of bored in the second episode, so I went upstairs and here I am now. I should really get working on my math homework... wouldn't want to piss Mrs. Madsen off. x_o;;



Later!

I am myself, once again

Song of the moment: Alive by P.O.D.



Everyday is a new day
I'm thankful for
Every breath I take
I won't take you for granted (I won't take you for granted)
So I learn from my mistakes
It's beyond my control
Sometimes it's best to let go
Whatever happens
In this lifetime
So I trust in love (so I trust in love)
You have given me
Peace of mind


Chorus:
I feel so alive
For the very first time
I can't deny you
I feel so alive
I feel so alive
For the very first time
And I think I can fly (fly)


Sunshine upon my face (sunshine upon my face)
A new song for me to sing
Tell the world
How I feel inside (Tell the world how I feel inside)
Even though it might
Cost me everything
Now that I know this
So beyond, I can't hold this
I can never
Turn my back away
Now that I've seen you (Now that I've seen you)
I can neva look away


Repeat chorus


Now that I know you
(I could never
Turn my back away)
Now that I see you
(I could neva look away)
Now that I know you
(I could neva
Turn my back away)
Now that I see you
(I believe no matta
What they say!)


Repeat chorus twice





Life is wonderful.



See what I mean? I am so fucking contradictoral. lol, whatever. That's me and if you don't accept it, then fuck you. =) Hehe anyways.... I must have had one of my all time lows this morning. I just didn't feel like doing anything. But you know what I did? I pulled my ass out of this computer chair, took a shower, and got ready for basketball. Ahh, the word of the Gods.


When I got there, I was immediately greeted by all the nice girls in my team. Not only by the girls in my grade, or the ones that I already knew, but by the new girls trying out. It was great, and it got me in a really good "leadership" mood. For the rest of the day, I was just really positive. I asked all of the new girls' names, and got to know them a bit. I can tell this is going to be a fun season. =D


After practice ended, I walked home (Yes, I WALKED. Unlike some of you lazy fucks out there. =P). When I got home, I was really eager to practice my dribbling. So, before I went online, I jogged a few times around my block with my basketball. I told myself I was going to go inside and eat a little bit before I start jogging again, but for some wierd reason, I ended up in front of my computer. lol.


So... after checking my messages (all of them), I posted about how happy I felt. When I checked it out, I saw that someone had posted on my tagboard. What they said just made me laugh, but after seeing the picture that he (Jaime) had posted, I got pissed off and started saying a bunch of crap. You can read about it, I don't want to re-explain everything. That whole thing with me and Jaime and my problem post-poned my plans for a long time, I don't even know how long. An hour, maybe?


After dealing with that, "solving" it, it was already dark as fuck outside. But I didn't care, I still grabbed my basketball and practiced my dribbling like mad crazy. I sprinted for a while, and jogged around some more... just to get my stamina up. I may have been panting, but afterwards, I felt.... rejuvinated. It's a wonderful feeling, definitely better than cutting. ò_Ó;;;


So yeah. I'm on my way up the hill, riding the little train that could. It may be small, and it may be slow... but at least I'm back on board. ;)



Choo choo!!




lol. I'm such a nerd. =)

[ONE BIG, MOTHER FUCKING EDIT]

I almost lost a friend tonight. Over a fucking misunderstanding.


Before you read this conversation, read the one from my tagboard first:



-->Name Removed said CHEER UP EMO KID
-->Hello Mil! said EMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
-->Don't click my name! said READ MY NAME!
-->-->Mil said Who the f*uck are you? Oh what, you're too scared to reveal your identity? WUSS. lol just kidding. Thanks for the.... umm... suggestion, dude. Later.
-->Emo Lovah said YAY EMO KID CHEERED UP!
-->-->Mil said P.S.--- You're a moron. Have a good day! Love, Mil.
-->Emo Lovah said OH NOSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
-->Emo Lovah said Look woman, if you're not happy in life, something is seriously wrong...because everyone knows EVERYONE IS HAPPY
-->Mil said Everyone is fake, too.
-->Mil said YOU ARE A F*UCKING COWARD FOR NOT POSTING UNDER YOUR OWN NAME. You want to get into a debate? Do you? You're not worthy of one of my debates, you pestiferous loser.


After having part of the AIM conversation with Jaime...


-->Mil said I have no idea why you're doing this, Jaime... if you hate me, just f*ucking say so. I don't care. Bombard my tagboard with lame insults, I don't care. It doesn't matter anymore, because from now on, we're not friends. And I don't give a s*hit about
-->-->Mil said *continued* what STRANGERS think of me.
-->Jaime said You wouldn't even hear me out...and I'm the one that's being unreasonable. You act like you're the only *bleep*ing person in pain...that does *bleep* to hurt themselves and doesn't know why. You think I enjoy drinking myself violently ill every night? O
-->Mil said I never said I was the only one in pain. This blogger is for me, and why the *bleep* should I write about other people's s*hit? Want me to rant about yours, do you? Fuck it.
-->Mil said I suggest you talk to a wall, because that's all you're going to get from me. I don't care anymore, f*uck up my tagboard, talk about your s*hit, it doesn't concern me. I hope you have fun making friends with a message board.


















I am NOT pangit: Are you the one posting in my tagboard right now?
Monkey Fu Style: uh?
Monkey Fu Style: doing what now?
I am NOT pangit: nevermind....
Monkey Fu Style: ....O_o
I am NOT pangit: someone keeps calling me an emo and bombarding my tagboard with idiotic remarks
Monkey Fu Style: what the fuuuuuck are you going on about?
I am NOT pangit: lol ^^;;;
Monkey Fu Style: hah
I am NOT pangit: on my website
Monkey Fu Style: link?
I am NOT pangit: http://fastidious_fiend.blogspot.com/
Monkey Fu Style: blog?
I am NOT pangit: LOL
I am NOT pangit: he just left!
I am NOT pangit: what a coward
I am NOT pangit: fucking moron
Monkey Fu Style: what was he saying?
I am NOT pangit: just read the tagboard
I am NOT pangit: :p
I am NOT pangit: i scared that bitch away
I am NOT pangit: hah
I am NOT pangit: i am so good
Monkey Fu Style: btw
Monkey Fu Style: it was me :-)
I am NOT pangit: FUCK YOU.
I am NOT pangit: I knew it was you
I am NOT pangit: Shit.
I am NOT pangit: Why'd you post that?
Monkey Fu Style: hahahahahahahaha
Monkey Fu Style: come on now
Monkey Fu Style: because it's true
I am NOT pangit: Dude.
I am NOT pangit: you didn't even say it was you.
I am NOT pangit: Coward.
Monkey Fu Style: so?
Monkey Fu Style: hahaha
Monkey Fu Style: I was going to
I am NOT pangit: -_-;
Monkey Fu Style: but I had to eat right quick
I am NOT pangit: Right.
Monkey Fu Style: eh ok
I am NOT pangit: My opinion of you has just...
Monkey Fu Style: don't believe me
I am NOT pangit: died...
I am NOT pangit: and..
I am NOT pangit: yeah
Monkey Fu Style: dude
Monkey Fu Style: YOUR opinion?
Monkey Fu Style: hahaha
Monkey Fu Style: go cut yourself some more
I am NOT pangit: whatever
I am NOT pangit: What?
I am NOT pangit: Why are you beig like this?
Monkey Fu Style: don't even tell me about opinions
I am NOT pangit: *being
Monkey Fu Style: I'm tired of bullshit like what you're doing
Monkey Fu Style: omg I'm so tired of life and my family
Monkey Fu Style: I love cutting blah blah
Monkey Fu Style: I've seen people like you come and go out of my lfie
Monkey Fu Style: *life
Monkey Fu Style: they either die
Monkey Fu Style: or go mental
I am NOT pangit: what the fuck...
I am NOT pangit: then don't read my blogger
I am NOT pangit: I'm not forcing you to
I am NOT pangit: holy shit.
Monkey Fu Style: I just did
Monkey Fu Style: and I thought rather than worry about you
Monkey Fu Style: which never works
Monkey Fu Style: imma just be mean
I am NOT pangit: ....
Monkey Fu Style: dude
Monkey Fu Style: you need to listen to the words
Monkey Fu Style: NO ONE
Monkey Fu Style: IS TRUELY
Monkey Fu Style: HAPPY
Monkey Fu Style: you
Monkey Fu Style: me
Monkey Fu Style: him
Monkey Fu Style: her
Monkey Fu Style: NO ONE
Monkey Fu Style: you think I don't have my problems?
Monkey Fu Style: why do you think I'm such a fucking lush?
I am NOT pangit: I never said I was the only one with problems...
I am NOT pangit: but.
I am NOT pangit: my blogger is for me.
I am NOT pangit: so i can talk about my problems.
Monkey Fu Style: one sec
I am NOT pangit: i don't force people to read it.
Monkey Fu Style: mom on the phone
Monkey Fu Style: just chill
I am NOT pangit: Me.
I am NOT pangit: Just chill?
Monkey Fu Style: like
I am NOT pangit: how about you?
Monkey Fu Style: hold for sec
Monkey Fu Style: my mom's calling me
I am NOT pangit: right.
Monkey Fu Style: jesus blah blah blah
Monkey Fu Style: my mom talks forever
Monkey Fu Style: sorry about this
I am NOT pangit: It doesn't matter... keep flooding my tagboard, I don't care.
I am NOT pangit: Just know that from this moment on, we're not friends anymore.
I am NOT pangit: I can't be friends with someone like you.
Monkey Fu Style: try now
I am NOT pangit: I can't be friends with someone that hates me.
I am NOT pangit: Just get the fuck out of my life
Monkey Fu Style: hahahahahahaha
I am NOT pangit: and i don't give a shit about what you say
Monkey Fu Style: dude
Monkey Fu Style: FUCKING
Monkey Fu Style: chill
Monkey Fu Style: I don't hate you
I am NOT pangit: ME? CHILL?
Monkey Fu Style: you need to hear what I'm saying
Monkey Fu Style: you won't listen
I am NOT pangit: How about you tryt o take your own advice.
I am NOT pangit: Try another approach at explaining, then.
Monkey Fu Style: fine
I am NOT pangit: Because this one is obviously not working.
Monkey Fu Style: will you hold on for a sec?
I am NOT pangit: What.
I am NOT pangit: You think saying that shit on my tagboard will work?
Monkey Fu Style: I have to feign intrest with my moms stupid shit
I am NOT pangit: Do you?
I am NOT pangit: Whatever.
I am NOT pangit: I don't give a shit about you anymore.
I am NOT pangit: Good mother fucking BYE.


A few minutes later...


Monkey Fu Style signed off at 6:13:36 PM.
Monkey Fu Style signed on at 6:14:12 PM.
Monkey Fu Style: you gonna listen to me now?
I am NOT pangit: Not if all you can do is tell me to cut myself.
Monkey Fu Style: JUST
Monkey Fu Style: FUCKING
Monkey Fu Style: LISTEN
I am NOT pangit: FUCK YOU
Monkey Fu Style: I don't give one fucking shit what you write in your blog
I am NOT pangit: WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
Monkey Fu Style: that's for you
Monkey Fu Style: I am someone who's BEEN THERE
Monkey Fu Style: look, the approach was wrong
Monkey Fu Style: yeah
Monkey Fu Style: fine
Monkey Fu Style: I admit that
Monkey Fu Style: but you really think I'd ever do anything malicious to you?
Monkey Fu Style: I love you like a sister
I am NOT pangit: You just did...
I am NOT pangit: what the hell was that posting that shit picture?
Monkey Fu Style: I didn't mean that from a malacious standpoint
Monkey Fu Style: I meant it from a you need a reality check standpoint
Monkey Fu Style: I have scars
Monkey Fu Style: oh so many scars
Monkey Fu Style: all over me
Monkey Fu Style: all for the same reason you do
Monkey Fu Style: don'
Monkey Fu Style: *don't for one second think that I don't understand
Monkey Fu Style: or I'm not sympathetic
Monkey Fu Style: I've been there oh so many times
Monkey Fu Style: but you cannot keep doing the shit
Monkey Fu Style: or you'll end up like me
Monkey Fu Style: in the hospital
Monkey Fu Style: because you cut too deep
Monkey Fu Style: and you can't stop the bleeding with a rag
I am NOT pangit: ..don't you think I know that?
I am NOT pangit: I'm on the way to recovery..
Monkey Fu Style: you sure don't act like it
Monkey Fu Style: 80 fucking cuts
Monkey Fu Style: what the fuck are you thinking?
I am NOT pangit: I fucking know how stupid it is
I am NOT pangit: dude
I am NOT pangit: ...
I am NOT pangit: god, whatever. I just know now.
I am NOT pangit: trust me.
Monkey Fu Style: proove it to me that you know
I am NOT pangit: I don't need another person nagging me about it.
I am NOT pangit: basketball.. I love basketball too much to do this.
I am NOT pangit: do you think i like it when people stare at my cuts?
I am NOT pangit: i wore a fucking arm thing to hide it
I am NOT pangit: and i can't wear that everyday for basketball.
Monkey Fu Style: well mil
I am NOT pangit: especially for the games
Monkey Fu Style: they're always gonna be there
I am NOT pangit: that's enough to make me stop
Monkey Fu Style: ALWAYS
I am NOT pangit: I KNOW.
I am NOT pangit: OKAY.
I am NOT pangit: YOU DON'T NEED TO REMIND ME.
I am NOT pangit: I'M NOT STUPID.
I am NOT pangit: EVEN WHAT I DO IS STUPID.
I am NOT pangit: *if
Monkey Fu Style: yeah
Monkey Fu Style: I got that
I am NOT pangit: whatever... i'm just tired of being bitched at about how stupid it is. I get it. It's in there, in my cranium. I know now, I know.
I am NOT pangit: And I'm trying my fucking best to be happier.
I am NOT pangit: Basketball is doing that for me
I am NOT pangit: and friends that care do that for me
Monkey Fu Style: then keep playing basketball
I am NOT pangit: I intend to.
Monkey Fu Style: if you really want me outta your life
Monkey Fu Style: I'll gladly leave
Monkey Fu Style: just say it
I am NOT pangit: FUCK IT, I don't want to end this friendship over a fucking misunderstanding.
I am NOT pangit: Did you just read what I said?
I am NOT pangit: I'm not stupid.
I am NOT pangit: :-)
I am NOT pangit: I may be stubborn... but i'm not stupid.
Monkey Fu Style: lol
Monkey Fu Style: i know
Monkey Fu Style: which is why I couldn't fathom you doing this dumb shit
I am NOT pangit: Sometimes, frustration can get the best out of all of us....
I am NOT pangit: but whatever! I'm over that.
Monkey Fu Style: now I gotta quit drinking and we'll be golden
I am NOT pangit: damn, jaime.... my dad was like that too
I am NOT pangit: that's how he died
Monkey Fu Style: yeah well
I am NOT pangit: I'll stop my bitching there.
I am NOT pangit: haha
Monkey Fu Style: it's my stupid thing that I do
Monkey Fu Style: nah
Monkey Fu Style: go ahead
Monkey Fu Style: bitch
I am NOT pangit: no its all good
Monkey Fu Style: I'll just tune it out :-)
I am NOT pangit: it'll just upset me
I am NOT pangit: oh yeah by the way, i should go practice my dribbling now
I am NOT pangit: this has post-poned me enough
I am NOT pangit: =P
Monkey Fu Style: fo sho
Monkey Fu Style: hit me up
I am NOT pangit: and its freezing like hell outside
I am NOT pangit: alright
I am NOT pangit: ttyl




*sigh*

Nonetheless, my good mood is still here. It's dark and its freezing like hell outside.... crap... oh well, it doesn't matter. I'll go outside and jog anyways. =P

I. AM. HAPPY.

It's all thanks to basketball. Basketball just scared away the demons of my depression, and I am once again... myself. I love it. I'll write more about my day later, for now I'm gonna go out and practice my dribbling before it gets too cold outside.


Later.

Lost

Song of the moment: Blurry by Puddle of Mudd


I've lost the energy to do anything anymore.... even to cut myself. It's just so stupid. Ugh. I don't feel like blogging right now, either. I'm going out. To jog. I need to shower first though... I'm all icky. Gross.


Why does life suck?


P.S.---


I love my friends. I'm sorry I haven't been much of a friend lately.

Song of the moment: For You by Staind




To my mother, to my father,
It's your son or it's your daughter,
Are my screams loud enough for you to hear me?
Should I turn this up for you?


I sit locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
This silence gets us nowhwere!
Gets us nowhere way too fast!


The silence is what kills me
I need someone here to help me
But you don't know how to listen
And let me make my decisions


'Cause I sit here locked
inside my head remembering everything you've said
The silence gets us nowhere!
Gets us nowhere to fast!


All your insults and your curses make
me feel like I'm not a person
And I feel like I am nothing but
you made me so do something
'Cause I'm fucked up because you are
Need attention, attention you couldn't give


I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
This silence get us nowhere!
Gets us nowhere way to fast




I am the loner in our household. My mother and sister can stay downstairs, hang out all day long, and get along perfectly fine. My brother is in his room watching his anime, hanging out with his friends. I'm just the loser in the computer room, locked up with nothing more but a good book and a blade covered in blood. Reading, writing and cutting are my only escape from this reality.


My mom doesn't even push me on schoolwork anymore. It's like as if she doesn't care and allows me to be alone. She cares more about our birds than she does about me. She spends more time with them, talking to them, waking them up in the morning, singing to them, baby talking them. And what do I get? A fucking "HEY WAKE UP YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR SCHOOL." yelled at my head every single FUCKING morning.


How can I love someone that doesn't love me back.....


I remember back when I was in elementary school. We would have these open houses for the parents and their kids. I always wanted my mom to go to our open houses, I was always a good studen and I just wanted her to see how well I've been performing. The problem was, the open houses were always on Thursdays, and my mom had her bowling league that day. She would rather go bowling than see her academic daughter's hard-earned achievements....


The only thing she attended were my piano recitals. And she would always criticize the way that I played lead piano, how I messed up on my solo. I was never good enough. I will never be good enough for her. I bet you she'll even complain about my death, and make remarks about how I didn't do it right and then start complaining about the bills that she would have to pay.


This is why I don't care anymore. I have become often emotionless. And why should I care, why should I? I want to fall into an eternal sleep and never be awoken to this dreadful nightmare ever again. Hiding behind my books and my writing won't work forever. This disease of a family is driving me crazy.